--------------------
Two bloggers whom I follow closely have had babies in the past week. Another is still pregnant. One of my best {childhood} friends announced this week that she is in her second trimester. (She was a bridesmaid at my wedding.) And I can name at least a dozen (no joke!) close friends and relatives, which have had babies in the past year.
If this is another baby boom, I didn't get the memo.
All of these new-ish parents are between ages 25 and 35, which makes me realize that these are THE years to have babies. I'm beginning to wonder... am I the only married 28-year-old woman who isn't currently pregnant or hasn't had a baby yet? (Kidding. Maybe.)
A baby boy named Jackson (Jaxson?) made my aquaintance during lunch today. I ordered a meal-to-go from the nearby coffeeshop and, while I waited for my order, this tiny boy who had obviously just learned to walk was smiling and covering his face and taking steps closer and closer to me as if to say, "Can I be your friend?" His mother stood near and laughed along with us. When he finally got close enough to smack my leg with his hand, she apologized. I just laughed and introduced myself to the little man. It was only a few minutes out of my day, but I wish it had lasted hours longer.
I am so grateful and happy to be part of the lives of all the newborns around me. I am ecstatic for my friends and relatives, who are parents for the first or second or third time. I can't describe the delight I have in seeing my sister with her little boy. She is a perfect mother and he is the light of our lives.
There are many reasons that I am not ready to have a baby, but I also long for it. There is an aching, awkward pain in my heart every time I think of having my own child and suddenly that familiar fear sneaks up on me. Fear of not being able to carry a pregnancy full-term. Fear of being unprepared to care for a child. Fear of failing.
It isn't difficult for me to talk about it, surprisingly. Hub and I talk about it often and he always says the sweetest things to assure me that, when the time is right, it will happen. "Just have faith..." he says. Faith, like my friend Adrienne spoke of yesterday. But it is hard to live with this fear and frustration and sadness every day, and it is impossible to forget it because there are tiny (human) reminders everywhere. It's hard to know how to feel sometimes. Hard to know what to say or think or do. It's just hard, you know.
But when I am in the presence of a child, it is easy. Easy to smile. Easy to laugh. Easy to love. Everything seems easier somehow. And so, I'm trying to have faith.....
You are always in my prayers. Not because I feel sorry for you, but because we love you and your Hubs.
ReplyDeletei totally get this! being single & not at all planning to have kids at all ever, there are still days when i ache for my own child. when leyton snuggles me & when i hear "aunt carrie" i melt every single time. sometimes i miss the kids i won't have so much it hurts, but i so enjoy all the kids who are in my life! i know it's not the same thing at all, but your words touched me and made me feel like it was. *HUGS* you're gonna be a great mom when the time comes, erin!!
ReplyDeleteI have a friend in the same situation. Her obstacle at this point however, is not carrying a baby full-term, it's getting pregnant at all. It's been really difficult for her because she just turned 30 a few months ago and all of her friends are having babies or getting pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant for the second time, she immediately wanted to have lunch and see if I could provide any tips and I felt entirely terrible about the situation, not feeling sorry for her, but feeling sad that there are so many women out there who want this so bad and for whatever reason, it's just a little harder to attain. I feel a lot of hope for you, for her and for all of the moms on the mom group that I participate in on Facebook who are struggling with this. I think that God will provide in the end, although it may not necessarily be in the way or time frame that we want.
ReplyDeleteI believe that you will be a wonderful, amazingly loving momma and it will have so much to do with the journey that you took to get there. And when that time comes, your little one (or ones) will be the luckiest kids in the world! :) Don't give up Erin.
Erin, I am in the same boat. My best friend just had her second baby two weeks ago, and two other good friends had their second babies a little over a month ago. I feel like time is slipping by especially since I'm on the wrong side of 30. But we just need to have faith, and believe that it will happen, when it's supposed to happen. Hang in there! xoxo
ReplyDelete"My heart is confident in you, O God; my heart is confident. No wonder I can sing your praises!" Psalm 57:7 Love ya, Cakes! Beffy.
ReplyDelete30, married, and most certainly not pregnant here. But yea, I get this. I'm in the same boat. You're not alone!
ReplyDeleteOne day you will be a mommy, and a darn perfect one at that!!! I love you!!! Xoxo! -Keri
ReplyDeleteI absolutely agree with your husband. I'm currently pregnant (like everyone in the world, i know it really does seem that way!) but for so long i've waited to be so. I chose to get out of a relationship because he eventually decided he didn't want kids-- it was the HARDEST decision ever because we were still so in love.
ReplyDeleteAnd then when i found him-- my husband, the one who wanted kids just like me -- it still was awhile before we were finally blessed. Naiive me thought it would happen right away. When it didn't, i reminded myself that it was in God's perfect timing and not mine. It's hard to have faith but it's really true what they say... when you least expect it, it happens. No, God happens.
Those fears? i still have them. In fact, I didn't announce i was expecting until i was 13 weeks because i feared all the worse possible scenarios. And now that i'm 6 months, i'm so scared that i will fail as a parent or won't know what to do.
THANK GOD FOR FAITH. :)
xo
ps. I can't wait to celebrate with you when it's your guy's turn ;)