I have been thinking often about what I want to do with my life. Obviously, I will be starting a new job on Monday, so that's something. But where will I go from there? I have no real plans. My personality has always led me to go with the flow, never really knowing or caring what's around the next corner. I simply give it my best, consider
every most every step, and always remain open-minded. But is that enough? I always feel like I'm waiting for something. But what? Trying to be ready for anything all the time, to always work without knowing what exactly I'm working toward, can be difficult.
I haven't had a break from work since I was 18 years old. Seriously. I've had a job (or two at a time) since 2002, even when I went to college full-time. I've never taken a break between jobs, and the longest vacation I ever took was for our honeymoon, which was only one week. Keeping this pace is exhausting and I constantly wonder why I do it to myself, but it basically boils down to having a paycheck. I wish money was less necessary.
I definitely don't mean to complain. I am where I am because I want to be here. I have chosen my path all along and I'm well aware of it. I am excited to begin a new job on Monday, but I also keep wishing I could have allowed myself a week between jobs to just be at home -- to play my guitar, study photography, listen to music, read a good book, organize the closets and finish unpacking all the things we have yet to unpack, to dust and vacuum, to eat, ride my bike, and take Lakota swimming at the lake.
Part of me will always want to stay home and be a wife. I'd like to pay some serious attention to our house and my family without worrying about everyone and everything else. I'd like to build a life, not just pay for it. I know for certain that I can't let myself remain in an office environment for the rest of forever. It's depressing.
I'm hoping and praying that this new job will open doors that will allow me to be out and about doing things. Interesting things. Fun things. I hope Hub will find a place (a job) that will allow him the same. I want him to be happy as much or more than I want it for myself. I think we're on the right track; we just have to keep moving.